Church Bulletin Bloopers

The last few posts have been on the "serious" side... so I think we need to lighten things up a bit. A few "Church Bulletin Bloopers" might do the job.

1. "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
2. "Ushers will eat latecomers."
3. "The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."
4. "The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."
5. "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."
6. "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door."
7. "Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."
8. "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."
9. "The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."
10. "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."
12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."
13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."
14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."
16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."
18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."
19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."
20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
23. "Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
24. "Don't let worry kill you--let the church help."
25. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
26. "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
27. "Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!"
28. "The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."
29. "This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."
30. "Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early."
31. "Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study."
33. "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
34. "The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in."
35. "Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so."
36. "The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday."
37. "Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
38. "The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel."
39. "A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow."
40. "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice."
41. "The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
42. "Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity."
43. "During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit."
44. "The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience."